Wisdom or not...

Sometimes I feel so self confident.  Like, "I got this.  I understand how the world works and I have mastered this area."  This is how I feel when I teach.  The feeling is unbeatable, it is a kind of high.  And sometimes I believe I deserve to feel this way.  For example, "I have earned this.  I am good at teaching and I can handle anything that happens or comes my way with grace and dignity."  

Delusions of grandeur, anyone?  Then, something difficult occurs to take me down a couple of pegs.  For instance, sometimes I am thrown into a different sort of classroom like an EBD (Emotional/Behavioral Disorders) classroom.  The children in these classes often have trouble adapting to having a new teacher in the classroom and react badly.  I'm not generalizing all children in the EBD classes, but I've definitely seen a few instances where I was beyond my own sphere of knowledge.  I've even had a child stand on a table and yell.  That was definitely beyond my wisdom, especially in a world where you cannot touch a child in the schools.   

The Bible talks about wisdom in James 3:13-18  It says there are basically two types of wisdom, one is worldly (unbiblical) wisdom and the second is biblical or spiritual wisdom.

The secular world's definition of wisdom is, "accumulated philosophic or scientific learning, ability to discern inner qualities and relationships, or good sense" (Mirriam Webster, 2013).

This is an example of my worldly wisdom, or knowledge being extended beyond what I have seen and dealt with before.  I would even hazard to say that this is my "selfish ambition" (James 3:14) coming out and rearing its ugly head.  If I get too overconfident and cocky, then God cannot shine through me.  As a Christian, I am called to be humble, not confident in my own worldly wisdom, but delighting in my flaws for the sake of Christ.  James 3:13 says," Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom."

I believe that God called me to these verses today because of my struggle for a full time teaching position.  I wonder if sometimes I am overly confident in myself and not leaning on Christ Jesus enough in the area of my employment.  I believe the answer to this is rhetorical.  

Here is the example of the godly wisdom we all should aspire to...

James 3:17 "But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere."

My prayer today is for myself.  I pray that I would be pure, peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere."  This is a huge order, one that can only be fulfilled by God and the Holy Spirit within me.  

Amen.

"Wisdom." Merriam-Webster.com. Merriam-Webster, n.d. Web. 29 Aug. 2013. <http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/wisdom>.

Depressive Behavior or Hope?

This morning, I was doing my quiet time and I found a study to read in "My Daily Bread."  Some of the Bible readings that went along with this devotional really hit home to me.

Psalm 124 says, "If the Lord had not been on our side--let Israel say--if the Lord had not been on our side when people attacked us, they would have swallowed us alive when their anger flared against us; the flood would have engulfed us, the torrent would have swept over us, the raging waters would have swept us away.  Praise be to the Lord, who has not let us be torn by their teeth.  We have escaped like a bird from the fowler's snare; the snare has been broken, and we have escaped.  Our help is in the name of the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth."

After reading through this Psalm, which David of the Old Testament wrote about his trials, I can see how modern day depression can have us thinking that God is not on our side.  As Christians, we would never admit that we don't believe that God is pulling for us.  But, in the deepest and darkest moments when we lie down feeling defeated at the end of the day, some part of our subconscious or conscious is believing that, perhaps, God has given up on us.

However, if we carefully read through the above verse, we can see that if we believe that God is indeed on our side, and if we are indeed His children, then we need to be careful about what we think.  David was reaffirming to Israel that God was on their side because the armies of the enemy did not conquer them.  He was saying that they would have been utterly defeated if God had not been with them.

Readers, I challenge you and myself today.  Do you believe that God is on your side?  Are you depressed and defeated?  The two cannot be symbiotic.  You either believe that God will protect you and is in the process of helping us, or you are defeated--but not both.

I have suffered from depression since I was 16 years old, which is nearly half of my life.  That said, I can see that I need to keep close to myself that verse Psalm 124:8 "our help is in the name of the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth."  Even though I feel defeated sometimes, I need to remember that I could be thoroughly drowning or completely hopeless, but God is for me.  I am not hopeless, I need to remember that how I feel is not always the way things actually are.  My perceptions are not always 100% accurate.  In fact, I would dare say that my perceptions are not always 50% accurate.  Thus I need to keep my nose in the Word and hear God for what he is saying to me today.  Praise be to the Lord!

I am still flabbergasted that God chose me--as I am.

Words without thought are like Venom

Beware:  I'm not perfect!  Here's proof.

As I was sitting during my quiet time, I tried guessing about what God would want me to read about in the Bible today.   I started to think about  how God is trying to work in my life and a particular situation come to my mind, and it was specifically about my quick mouth.  

People usually tend to think of me as quiet, reserved, and meek.  Yet, this is not me.  I'm more like a snake sometimes.  I lay in waiting for the perfect moment and strike with all I've got.  When it comes to close friends or even my husband or kids, I really have a mouth on me.  Don't get me wrong, I almost never swear.  It's not that I haven't ever sworn.  I definitely have, but I've learned to curtail that part of my mouth.  I know that it's not ladylike, and certainly not godly behavior.  But in pushing down that area, I've let another area slip through my filter cracks.   It makes me somewhat sick to my stomach to admit this in writing, but I know that this is one way I can remain accountable for my mistakes.---  I can be downright mean!   I don't mean to be mean, but it's one way my inner thoughts slip out.  

I disguise the meanness as jokes.  I may not mean to hurt someone's feelings, but when I let the quick wit I inherited get by my filter, I say funny things that are hurtful.  People who are my friends can attest to my flaws.  Unfortunately, but probably subconsciously on purpose, I direct my quick wit to my husband or at his expense.  Instead of coming out and saying, "I don't like how you did that," I prefer to wait and let the experience fester.  This way it oozes out of me when I least expect it.  Maybe I think I'm not accountable for my words, or that they will be cushioned if it comes out that way.  But I'm really not certain why this occurs.  All I can say is that it is definitely not kind.  

During my quiet time, I read Proverbs 31:12 "She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life."  This verse came to my mind as I thought about my words and I know why.  To be a truly godly wife, I need only to bring my husband good, and not evil.  To harm my husband with my words is to damage the head of my household.  How can he lead when he is damaged over and over again by my words.  I thank God that these slip ups are not an everyday occurrence for me, but they might stick in his mind longer because they were intended to use humor.  

My husband is a good guy.  He loves the Lord, he respects me, and he is a great Daddy to our children.  He definitely has his flaws too, but we really love each other and we know that God has a plan for us together and separately.  I went through my photos today and found a picture I love the best of my husband, Paul.  It is of him doing something he enjoys so much, playing his guitar.  I wanted a good representation of his best side to put on this blog to remind me that a godly wife brings good to her husband all the days of her life.  

Today, I am praying that God would put a cap on my quick wit so that I would not harm people with my words.  Father, please help me to only speak loving words instead of sharp words.  I pray you would give me more love so that any evil words in me would dissolve into Your Words.  I need more of You in my life!  

By the way, the coolest thing about my husband's musical interest is that he only plays hymns and Christian music!  He sings too!  I love his voice :-)

I am praying for my readers today that they be able to see my flaws and know that everyone has some junk in their closets.  I'm just trying to get my junk out of the closet and hopefully let God fix it.

So called "lack"

Today, I was thinking about writing and I couldn't think of anything that was imperfect to write about.  Don't take me wrong, I know that there is plenty wrong with my life (wrong in my own judgmental eyes), but nothing good enough to write about--which is very different from the other day when I started this blog.  So, my son was passing by and I asked him if there was anything wrong with his life, to which he responded, "Not enough money."  Me: *Blink* ??!!  Money?  Wow.  That's harsh.  What he feels like he is lacking reflects directly on Paul and Rachel, and what they feel they are lacking.  O.K. third person voice finished now.

According to my son, I must reflect a person unsatisfied.  But why?  We have food, we have a home, we have enough material things.  Yes, sometimes our pocketbook shrinks and we have to sacrifice some brand name food so we can buy clothing or other necessities, but lacking?  I know we are doing ok.  Money and the things it buys are but foolish things.  Underneath it all, I know that we will be taken care of because the Bible tells me so.

In Matthew 6:25-34, it talks about not serving both God and Money.  Not that one is always devoid of the other, but it tells me that if you are serving God, you will not always have money.  However, don't worry.  The bible also says that we should not worry about food, shelter, or clothes because God takes care of the birds and flowers, and He cares way more about us.  So, why shouldn't He also care about us enough to take care of us?  He will!  And we should not worry because it won't add anything to our life.

By the way, this picture is proof God is taking care of my family because my kids are into the contents of the fridge.  See those toes?  Those are the culprits who like to become hungry little monsters at noon and raid the fridge right before lunch...

I ask myself today, "Have I ever sat and worried away some time?"  The answer, of course, is yes.  Mostly it looks like sitting at the computer looking up jobs or craigslist or something.  It looks different for most people.  Some may sit up at night in the wee hours thinking, some might worry aloud, and some might become obsessed with something out of worry.  Yet, if we are truly trying to be faithful, we will not worry and we will give our obsessions to God because He will take care of us.  He will take care of you, and He will take care of me.

Please pray for my patience today.  This is not the subject of my post today, but rather, I need patience. It is almost time for school to start, but these last couple days have been overwhelming with kid fights.  If it is not kids fighting, it is crying because someone got hurt or laughing uncontrollably in that manner in which you just KNOW something bad will happen to somebody.  If I am lacking anything, I am lacking the fruit of the Spirit known as patience.  Pray.  For.  Me.

Just one trial and temptation, and a blessing

James 1:12 says, "Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.

I have been dealing with severe sleepiness during the daytime hours.  It is a miracle that I am awake at all right now.  To me, this is a serious trial that prevents me from doing my best work around the house, in the yard, and with my children.  Furthermore, it makes it almost unbearable to teach during the day because I get so sleepy.

The picture above highlights my tools for fighting fatigue, and I might also add God's Word to the supplies that help me combat this particular trial.  In fact, this problem does not seem profound.  You might just think I need a little Caffeinated beverage or a couple hours of extra sleep, or even to take some vitamins.  It gets so problematic that I've seen the doctor many different times to talk about my fatigue.  And even as I't typing this blog, I find my eyes trying to close.  Sometimes it is simple to fix, such as a dehydration problem or needing to eat.

The temptation in this is to give in to the fatigue and sleep.  But, I really have a problem with that mindset because I have a family, obligations, and a Holy God to follow.  Based upon the above verse in James, I have to persevere through the fatigue and not give up and I will receive the crown of life, or basically God's favor.  So, I caffeinate, take some prescribed medicine, and self medicate with vitamin B-12.  So, for anybody out there that is suffering from this malady, I just want to encourage you that you can do it.  You don't have to give in to the fatigue.  Fight.  Find what works and fight.  Vitamin B12 is definitely a miracle in my life.

As an aside, I have to share about something that happened to me yesterday.  I went grocery shopping with $80 and I lost track of my purchases around $50, but continued to shop because we needed food in the house.  I tried to stock up on extra peanut butter, extra noodles, extra cans of fruit, and just plain what we needed.  As I got to the front and the cashier began to ring up my totals, I exceeded my cash budget.  I had to put back some things, but I only ended up putting back the extras that I picked up to stock my pantry.  God totally provided for our family although he didn't allow any extras at this time.  I feel like He wants our total trust that He will provide.

Then, on the way home I saw a man with a sign that read, "Stranded, need food and gas."  I passed him, but stared because we don't often see such people in small-town Cloquet.  Immediately, I felt as if God were compelling me back toward him to give him something.  For an instant, I struggled with what of my groceries I could give.  After all, I didn't buy any extras.  Finally, I settled on two apples and a small lunch meat bag.  Then I dug in my purse and found $1.70.  This was absolutely nothing, but I prayed that God would have him receive it well if it were meant to be.  So, I stopped and gave him my meager food and money.  He thanked me.  He was wearing a Bible verse on his shirt and had a bumper sticker of John 3:16 on the back of his old suburban.   I don't know if this was a real guy, or what his story was, but Hebrews 13:2 came to mind.  It says, " Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it.  So, my adventures with God are just beginning and I'm wondering what kinds of exciting things will come about in the future.  Maybe I'll see that guy again in heaven.  I hope he got enough money and/or food to become un-stranded.

I am praying today that through the testing of my faith, I can develop Godly perseverance, and through that maturity and wisdom, and through that faith without doubt.

He Chose Me

I am writing this new blog because I feel that I am called to write about my imperfectly perfect life.  I feel tired from having to be perfect.  I have to have the perfect family, the perfect job, the perfect finances, the perfect lifestyle, just perfect.  I recently went to a Covenant Women's Conference entitled "Rooted" in which we learned about being rooted in Christ.  At this conference, I learned that God wanted me to deconstruct my "perfect" life to show Christ through my imperfections.  After all, there is a reason that God chose me, as I am.  He does not call us to be perfect, but Christlike.  Jesus was not perfect.  He had dirty feet from traveling in sandals.  2 Corinthians 3:17 says, "Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.  I know that if I let Christ into my imperfect world, I will experience a freedom that I have not known before.

I feel like trying to be the world's definition of perfect is trying to be "great."  Christ has got to be greater than us and we have to be smaller than Him for His work to take place.  Because of this fact, I surveyed my kitchen after a week of being away at the Christian Conference "Triennial."  I left my kitchen in about the same manner of which I returned to it.  My husband, Paul, and kids were not home most of the time I was gone.  Therefore, I have no justification to blame it on anyone.  Furthermore, just as background, I will not allow people into my home unless I feel it is perfect, so please know that this is a big step for me.

 Grody Kitchen Floor

   This is my floor in my home.  Granted it is not "me."  I understand that, but I'm not going to allow my house to dictate who I can and cannot see anymore.  If people truly care about me or my family, they will understand that I'm not perfect.  Additionally, I did clean it yesterday because the kitchen was in dire need of help.  But, I'm not going to let the uncleanness of anything dictate my life.  I am unclean, I am a follower of God.  Sometimes my life will not be perfect.  In those times, I hope Christ can shine into the dark corners and show His Love through me.

Each day, I plan on showing something about myself that is imperfect.  I am hoping that I give hope to those who feel they have to be "perfect" by seeing my imperfection.  I am hoping that I deconstruct my own preconceptions about what it means to be Christlike.  Today, I am going to show my love of God by following His word.

These are the verses I am thinking about today.  1 John 4:16-18  And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.  God is love.  Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them.  This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus.  There is no fear in love.  But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.  The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

Because of these verses, today I will not fear the looks of myself, my house, or this blog.  I am going to let God shine the light on my fear and drive it away.  I am imperfectly perfect and...He chose me.